Angie was a cross-eyed cat.
Literally, her eyes pointed in the center. She only came out when it was quiet, and people normally had to ask if she was real because she never moved.
My mom always complained about her because she shed so much, but she went everywhere my mom did.
Looking back, I think my mom wanted her as a relief from the daily stress of life at that time. Like Angie was a therapeutic rescue cat or something. I've read about soliders who are suffering from post traumatic stress and are given a puppy to care for. All of the therapy from every psychologist on Oprah couldn't do what an animal can.
The death of Angie has surfaced some of the emotions of the past. I grieve for my mom because I know she must be hurting, and I grieve for my sister and I. There was a period of time when my parents had decided to try and work it out. It did not last long, and they remained split...just in the same house. There were many nights of tears and shouts and words and pleads and tears.
My sister remembers when Angie came to live with us. As a 12 year old, trying to understand what is happening to her family, this little white kitty must have made her so happy.
My mom also brought home a dog around that time. The dog was left with us, but Angie went with her. To both apartments, to both houses.
....................................................................................................................................................................
The feelings of loss creep up at the strangest times.
We had an old toilet that was in the common bathroom downstairs for everyone to use. It was the kind with the pull chain that you had to hold down until it flushed all the way. It went great with the "Saturday Evening Post" wallpaper. I loved that bathroom. I had a routine too. The flush was VERY loud so as a kid I always used my shoulder to cover my ear as I flushed it. Even as a college student, I covered my ears.
When the Great Divide was final, the remodeling of the house began. MUST PAINT OVER THE PAST should have been the slogan for that time. New style, new design, lots of color!
I loved that bathroom...it remain untouched for a long time.
I came home from college to find a white porcelain one.
I was devastated.
Nothing was the same.
Nothing was ever going to be the same.
Nothing seemed right. Everything was in the wrong place. The desk should be there, the phone should be there, the TV goes over there, we eat dinner in here, we belong here, what happened to my life?
The feelings of loss creep up at the strangest of times.
Maybe I should get a kitty!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
So I definitely did a lot of chewing this weekend....and it was marvelous.
I haven't checked the scale yet so I'm not sure how much damage I did.
I suppose that I am going to need to move on from this topic at some point. The blog was suggested to me as a way to vent the frustrations of limiting myself to vanilla and strawberry powder, rather than taking it out on my co-workers, and it has served its purpose well. Yet it seems that when I sit down to right about how it's affecting my life, I find that it really isn't.
There are many others things going on in my world at the moment that consume my mind more than food. Why is that such a surprise? We make choices all day that have a huge effect on our life, why should my choice about food be any bigger? The choice to come to work when I'm tired and my ear drums feel like they are about to explode, the choice to stop and give my kid a good morning hug on my way to the potty even when I have to go really bad, the choice to smile and say "have a good day" when someone calls me a racist. All of these choices seem to be a much bigger deal what I have for lunch. At yet...it is a big deal.
At least at first.
Now when I sit down to my liquid, everyone goes about their business. No one looks or questions or wonders why in the world would I want to do that. It seems to be just understood.
"Sarah drinks her lunch."
What other strange things could I change into normal?
"Sarah is a Godly woman."
"Sarah is never late."
"Sarah always puts her husband first."
"Sarah works out everyday."
Those seem like way harder things than limiting what I eat. Then again, I've been obsessed about that for about 2 weeks.
Weight: 159
Attitude: waiting for the inspiration to kick in
Hopeful: pretty much
I haven't checked the scale yet so I'm not sure how much damage I did.
I suppose that I am going to need to move on from this topic at some point. The blog was suggested to me as a way to vent the frustrations of limiting myself to vanilla and strawberry powder, rather than taking it out on my co-workers, and it has served its purpose well. Yet it seems that when I sit down to right about how it's affecting my life, I find that it really isn't.
There are many others things going on in my world at the moment that consume my mind more than food. Why is that such a surprise? We make choices all day that have a huge effect on our life, why should my choice about food be any bigger? The choice to come to work when I'm tired and my ear drums feel like they are about to explode, the choice to stop and give my kid a good morning hug on my way to the potty even when I have to go really bad, the choice to smile and say "have a good day" when someone calls me a racist. All of these choices seem to be a much bigger deal what I have for lunch. At yet...it is a big deal.
At least at first.
Now when I sit down to my liquid, everyone goes about their business. No one looks or questions or wonders why in the world would I want to do that. It seems to be just understood.
"Sarah drinks her lunch."
What other strange things could I change into normal?
"Sarah is a Godly woman."
"Sarah is never late."
"Sarah always puts her husband first."
"Sarah works out everyday."
Those seem like way harder things than limiting what I eat. Then again, I've been obsessed about that for about 2 weeks.
Weight: 159
Attitude: waiting for the inspiration to kick in
Hopeful: pretty much
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I've always considered myself a planner.
Nothing is more exciting to me than starting a new month and filling it up with more things to do. I feel the best with three weekends of planned and one weekend of free..just to let something random and fabulous happen.
Lately it feels like everything that tries to plan the future is fruitless. The amount of control I have on how well things work out is diminishing. What exactly is the best thing to do now? Keep preparing...or let things just happen?
In an effort to stay on topic (my ode to love handles), I did lose four pounds. I wonder how evenly everything is spread out? Like..is that half a pound from my chin, half a pound from my ankle, 2 pounds from my booty...I can't exactly tell. I am already feeling a bit of addiction. It was such rush to get on the scale and keep sliding the little black, powerful box to the left. Little more....can I go a little more...SWEET!
A bit more of good news...the Purple Dress from Hell is now referred to as the Terrible Purple Dress. Although it is no longer condemned...it is still not as favorable as I would have hoped. I wonder if 4 more pounds will do the trick!
Maybe I only feel out of control because things aren't going my way. Perhaps once I lose the weight I want, achieve the relationship I need, and complete my own personal goals I wil finally feel in control. Even then...it seems like something we create for ourselves to make us feel more responsible for the goodness in our life. Silly minds..it all belongs to God.
Nothing is more exciting to me than starting a new month and filling it up with more things to do. I feel the best with three weekends of planned and one weekend of free..just to let something random and fabulous happen.
Lately it feels like everything that tries to plan the future is fruitless. The amount of control I have on how well things work out is diminishing. What exactly is the best thing to do now? Keep preparing...or let things just happen?
In an effort to stay on topic (my ode to love handles), I did lose four pounds. I wonder how evenly everything is spread out? Like..is that half a pound from my chin, half a pound from my ankle, 2 pounds from my booty...I can't exactly tell. I am already feeling a bit of addiction. It was such rush to get on the scale and keep sliding the little black, powerful box to the left. Little more....can I go a little more...SWEET!
A bit more of good news...the Purple Dress from Hell is now referred to as the Terrible Purple Dress. Although it is no longer condemned...it is still not as favorable as I would have hoped. I wonder if 4 more pounds will do the trick!
Maybe I only feel out of control because things aren't going my way. Perhaps once I lose the weight I want, achieve the relationship I need, and complete my own personal goals I wil finally feel in control. Even then...it seems like something we create for ourselves to make us feel more responsible for the goodness in our life. Silly minds..it all belongs to God.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I think the hardest thing about losing my love handles is the attention that I am getting from it.
Why is it so weird to sit next to someone drinking their lunch instead using a fork? Why is it that every person feels the need to make a comment about it? So what if you don't think I need to or you think it's silly...I'm doing it for myself. Would I get the same reaction if I sat down with two plates instead of one? Would people be asking "hey Sarah, are you going on a binge?" Why is it more socially acceptable to eat more than to eat less?
This is not meant to say that I don't appreciate the encouragement, but there is definitley a difference. Perhaps the next time I chose to lose something on my body I won't make it so obvious.
When I was pregnant, I avoided all kinds of foods. Deli meat, certain cheeses, alcohol..the works. No one thought that was strange, or felt the need to wave alcohol in my face in an effort to make me yearn for it. Why is more acceptable to sacrifice for your child than it is to sacrifice for yourself?
I have this pair of J.Crew shorts that I wore when I was in the best shape. It was right after my freshman year of college, after everyone else had gained 15 pounds. Luckily, I had gone through a heart-wrenching break up and managed to make it to my weight trainging class that spring semester. I looked awesome and I felt good...well physically. Emotionally it was a really hard time. My family had dissolved, I wasn't really sure who I was, and my heart was broken.
Well it's time to bring the shorts back!
Weight: healthy
Attitude: motivated
Hopeful: constantly
Why is it so weird to sit next to someone drinking their lunch instead using a fork? Why is it that every person feels the need to make a comment about it? So what if you don't think I need to or you think it's silly...I'm doing it for myself. Would I get the same reaction if I sat down with two plates instead of one? Would people be asking "hey Sarah, are you going on a binge?" Why is it more socially acceptable to eat more than to eat less?
This is not meant to say that I don't appreciate the encouragement, but there is definitley a difference. Perhaps the next time I chose to lose something on my body I won't make it so obvious.
When I was pregnant, I avoided all kinds of foods. Deli meat, certain cheeses, alcohol..the works. No one thought that was strange, or felt the need to wave alcohol in my face in an effort to make me yearn for it. Why is more acceptable to sacrifice for your child than it is to sacrifice for yourself?
I have this pair of J.Crew shorts that I wore when I was in the best shape. It was right after my freshman year of college, after everyone else had gained 15 pounds. Luckily, I had gone through a heart-wrenching break up and managed to make it to my weight trainging class that spring semester. I looked awesome and I felt good...well physically. Emotionally it was a really hard time. My family had dissolved, I wasn't really sure who I was, and my heart was broken.
Well it's time to bring the shorts back!
Weight: healthy
Attitude: motivated
Hopeful: constantly
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I think I should take a moment to focus on something else besides my crazy diet.
Okay I got nothing.
But I think it's important recognize the benefits of making a decision and sticking with it. Many things in my life right are hinging on making a decision. The hardest part of it is that it's not my decision at all...just one that I have to support.
At what point do you feel confident about waiting for God to do His work verses just wasting time? How do you know that God is all aboard with your plan or thinks that you are doing the right thing? Some people say that God wants you to be patient and wait for him to open doors in your life. Others say that God expects you to make changes on your own. And, can I dare ask this question, will prayer lead me to the right answer?
I've always been a big fan of change. I actually crave it. Post highschool, I got the itch to move every two years. I've been in Arkansas for four. I'm comfortable with the atmosphere of change...learning how to adapt to a new environment or new people.
I know that not everyone is like me.
Perhaps that is what prompted this diet. Maybe I decided to change my body because I have no control of the change (or un-change) in the rest of my life.
So I will stick to my decision to change my weight and...while I am writing this I'm getting the urge to acknowledge something...what would happen if I was as convinced about the benefits of prayer as I am about the benefits of vanilla, strawberry, and nasty.
Weight: 161
Attitude: pensive
hopeful: still
Okay I got nothing.
But I think it's important recognize the benefits of making a decision and sticking with it. Many things in my life right are hinging on making a decision. The hardest part of it is that it's not my decision at all...just one that I have to support.
At what point do you feel confident about waiting for God to do His work verses just wasting time? How do you know that God is all aboard with your plan or thinks that you are doing the right thing? Some people say that God wants you to be patient and wait for him to open doors in your life. Others say that God expects you to make changes on your own. And, can I dare ask this question, will prayer lead me to the right answer?
I've always been a big fan of change. I actually crave it. Post highschool, I got the itch to move every two years. I've been in Arkansas for four. I'm comfortable with the atmosphere of change...learning how to adapt to a new environment or new people.
I know that not everyone is like me.
Perhaps that is what prompted this diet. Maybe I decided to change my body because I have no control of the change (or un-change) in the rest of my life.
So I will stick to my decision to change my weight and...while I am writing this I'm getting the urge to acknowledge something...what would happen if I was as convinced about the benefits of prayer as I am about the benefits of vanilla, strawberry, and nasty.
Weight: 161
Attitude: pensive
hopeful: still
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
So who created the term 'love handles' anyway?
Wikipedia defines it as a "layer of fat that is deposited around a person's midsection, especially visible on the sides over the abdominal external oblique muscle." And, amazing enough, there is picture to go along with the definition! I wonder how much they had to pay that poor guy.....although he does look kinda familiar.
I prefer the term "mom belt" or "momness" it takes the pressure off it actually being my responsibility for having a layer of fat around my midsection (Man that sounds disgusting). I think I have kinda hidden behind the idea that I'm a mom now so I no longer have to be concious of my body. I can just let it all go and start shopping at Talbots. But the thing is, I like my smaller jeans and I like the look of a fitted top. So where does that leave me? I don't really think that I am doing this because of society or the pressures to be a size 2. That is one number I will never own. Except of course if its 2 tickets to Boston, or a 2 taco combo.
Anyways, so as of yesterday I've decided to swap actual food for five yummy, flavorful shakes. So far, the withdrawal symptoms have been minor. Only some occasional yearning...along with the minute gag reflex with the first taste of the vanilla one...it's not so good.
It's all worth it though. If for nothing else, actually accomplishing this kind of commitment will be rather amazing to me....if I can get through it. Today is just day 2 ya know.
Weight: not bloated
Attitude: stubborn
Hopeful: of course
Wikipedia defines it as a "layer of fat that is deposited around a person's midsection, especially visible on the sides over the abdominal external oblique muscle." And, amazing enough, there is picture to go along with the definition! I wonder how much they had to pay that poor guy.....although he does look kinda familiar.
I prefer the term "mom belt" or "momness" it takes the pressure off it actually being my responsibility for having a layer of fat around my midsection (Man that sounds disgusting). I think I have kinda hidden behind the idea that I'm a mom now so I no longer have to be concious of my body. I can just let it all go and start shopping at Talbots. But the thing is, I like my smaller jeans and I like the look of a fitted top. So where does that leave me? I don't really think that I am doing this because of society or the pressures to be a size 2. That is one number I will never own. Except of course if its 2 tickets to Boston, or a 2 taco combo.
Anyways, so as of yesterday I've decided to swap actual food for five yummy, flavorful shakes. So far, the withdrawal symptoms have been minor. Only some occasional yearning...along with the minute gag reflex with the first taste of the vanilla one...it's not so good.
It's all worth it though. If for nothing else, actually accomplishing this kind of commitment will be rather amazing to me....if I can get through it. Today is just day 2 ya know.
Weight: not bloated
Attitude: stubborn
Hopeful: of course
Monday, August 3, 2009
There comes a point in every woman's life where she realizes that chewing is overrated.
Well.....maybe not everyone.
As of today the only thing that I will chew is gum. This is not a permenant change, just a trial of seperation, a sort of detox (without all the sweats and shaking and flashbacks). This all started when I tried on this purple dress...The Purple Dress from HELL is what I am calling it. For any average size woman...those that are smaller on top than on bottum...the dress would look fabulous. Turns out, I'm not an average size woman.
So there I was, with the dress, standing next to a beautifully proportionate sister who rocked the socks off her dress and my mind started to drift to words like "colon cleansing" and "hydrotherapy"...people like Anna Nicole Smith and Oprah Winfrey flashed across my mind. "I LOST 400 Pounds in 2 weeks." Hmmmm...I wonder if that could be me...if only I didn't need to chew.
(in true Bridget Jones' Diary style)
Weight: 163
Attitude: Fidgety
Hopeful: yes
Well.....maybe not everyone.
As of today the only thing that I will chew is gum. This is not a permenant change, just a trial of seperation, a sort of detox (without all the sweats and shaking and flashbacks). This all started when I tried on this purple dress...The Purple Dress from HELL is what I am calling it. For any average size woman...those that are smaller on top than on bottum...the dress would look fabulous. Turns out, I'm not an average size woman.
So there I was, with the dress, standing next to a beautifully proportionate sister who rocked the socks off her dress and my mind started to drift to words like "colon cleansing" and "hydrotherapy"...people like Anna Nicole Smith and Oprah Winfrey flashed across my mind. "I LOST 400 Pounds in 2 weeks." Hmmmm...I wonder if that could be me...if only I didn't need to chew.
(in true Bridget Jones' Diary style)
Weight: 163
Attitude: Fidgety
Hopeful: yes
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